I’ll admit that while Valentines Day usually did not bug me before, it certainly frustrated me now, in all my 21 years. While I’ve had my share of admirers, they have never been near the vicinity of Valentines Day. I always liked the fact because it makes me wonder what a real relationship would be like.

What really is astonishing is the lack of sincerity in relationships, and not just opposite-sex relationships. Friendships. Relatives. Possibly siblings. We’re at war with one another in the most degradeful mannerisms.

I was disappointed in a 12 year friendship that went into flames because my “friend” tried to flirt with a guy who showed interested in me. She did not  choose to talk to me about it but showed off herself. The point is not if I was interested or not: the point is that she should have talked to me…she should have expected my support. I realize we are humans but I think we have the potential to be honest and truthful people with that title.

Then there are people who may be in a relationship but are only in it for the sake of guranteeing a partner. For instance, many young women I know will try to break apart a potentially “idealized” version of a couple forming. When I told  my grandmother this, she simply laughed sarcastically. She, wise even beyond her years, said that some people get into a relationship bc that gurantees someone is there while still keeping the other eye out open.

It’s not to say I’m innocent because I’m not. I am materialistic. I do love the finer things in life. Looks are important to me and are an excellent initial attraction starter. I do expect the guys I’m into to make money, potentially more than me and with the values that they will take care of the family with my role as a support in that money and more of the caretaker and his support in that.

However.

If I’m in any form of relationship. It should be sincere. It should be based on trust. My friends should not try to steal something that has been given as an opportunity to me. My one day lover should not be looking for a better financial/beauty match.

And yet, I know  I will never be free from this fear. So much so that I am afraid to fall in love… afraid that the first hints of blossoms will carve way to its death.